Insane Potterized Christmas Carols
by Marina Floyr
Summary: A Holiday Extravaganza of Parodized Songs!
1. Do You Fear What I Fear?

Disclaimer:Everything here is JKRs! 'cept for the insanity...  
thats pure me.  
  
A/N: Though of this in American History class...I must have not really  
been listening to Jeffersonian democracy after all...anywayers, I'm gonna  
put up a whole set of Christmas songs morphed into HP fliks! Mwhahahah!  
  
PLACES!!!!!!  
(Ron, Harry, Herm, Lavendar, Parvati and Trewlawny take their places  
in the Divination classroom, adorned in Holiday garb)  
  
Ron: I can't believe I'm doing this  
  
Trewlawny: I KNEW the first christmas flik would be about me!I SAW it!  
  
Lavender: OOOOOOH! you /did/ professor?   
  
Harry: (reading over the sheet music) Uh.....  
  
Herm: Nice last verse, I must say miss Fanfic Lyricist..but can we just   
shoot, because I need to practice my duet with Krum...   
  
(Ron groans)  
  
Me: Alright, alright...LIGHTS! CAMERA!....ACTION  
  
Do You Fear What I Fear (do you hear what I hear)  
Part 1 of Marina's Potterized Carols  
  
  
Ron: Said Trewlawny to Patil and Brown,  
Do you fear what I fear?   
For poor Potter, Patil and Brown,  
Trewlany: Do you fear what I fear?  
I sense, I sense, he will have bad luck  
Harry:(dryly) Maybe I'll be hit by a truck  
Parv&Lavender: Maybe he'll get hit by a truck  
  
Harry: Said the weird kook to the Weasley boy,  
Trewlany: Do you see what I see?   
In your crystal ball, Weasley boy,  
Do you see what I see?   
Ron: A fog, a fog, all I see is fog,   
But I'm glad there's no Aragog  
Parv&Lavender: But he's glad there's no Aragog.  
  
Ron: Said the Bat-eyed kook to those gathered round,  
Trewlany: Do you know what I know?  
What my eye tells me, gather round,  
Do you know what I know?  
A death, a death, I predict It's him,   
For the Potter boy has the grim!  
Parv&Lavender: For the Potter Boy has the grim!  
  
Harry: Said Herm to everybody who was there,  
Hermione: Listen to what I say!  
Ron: And Trewlawny gave her a glare,  
Hermione: Listen to what I say!  
A fraud, a fraud, Sybill is a fake,  
Taking this class was a mistake  
Parv&Lavender: Taking this class was a mistake?!?!?!?  
(scandalized)   
  
  
  



	2. Peeves is Getting Nothing For Christmas

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns all this stuff, 'cept for the tune. I again, provide the ever  
harmionious combination of insanity.  
  
A/N: My second christmas song! It's a show now rather than a movie. I like the first one a   
bit better, but this one is a bit more singable. The idea's been over done, and I probably   
would have used Fred and George, But it seems more gleefully sund Peeves' voice. So, er...  
I am henceforth proud to present:  
  
Insane potterized Christmas song #2:  
I'm getting nothing for Christmas   
  
(our familar Poltergiest floats out on stage, chucking a candy cane and blowing a raspberry  
at the our stage manager...)  
  
Snape (irritable as always):How did they ever rope me into this? That's it Albus, tell them   
I quit this christmas production!   
  
Dumbledore (pouting): You can't Severus, you're still in infinite debt to me for saving your   
name and hiring you even though you're an ex-deatheater  
  
Snape: Oh....Bah Humbug!  
  
Lupin(whispering from offstage): Who forgot to take their Prozac potion this morning?  
  
Snape: Shut up werewolf!  
  
Lupin: Touchy...anyway, I'm here to take over you're job...they want you singing the next number  
after this  
  
Snape: (thunderstruck) WHAT?!?!?!  
  
(after several minutes of mayhem, the curtain goes up on peeves)   
  
  
  
Peeves: I made a mess in the kitchens,  
Mrs. Norris snitched on me,   
Yelled "got your conk" at Slytherins,  
Mrs. Norris snitched on me,  
Wrecked havoc in the corridors,  
Trippped up several Griffindors,  
Stole from greasy's potions stores,  
Mrs. Norris snitched on me.  
  
Oh!  
I'm gettin' nothin' for Christmas,  
Says old professorhead,  
I'm gettin' nothin' for Christmas,  
I'll hide from the Baron instead.  
  
I stuffed keyholes with bubblegum,  
Mrs. Norris snitched on me,   
Told pimply Myrtle she was dumb   
Mrs. Norris snitched on me,   
Lobbed water balloons at first years,  
All the while screeching jeers,  
Put mud in their butterbeers,  
Mrs. Norris snitched on me,   
  
Oh!  
I'm gettin' nothin' for Christmas,  
Makes no diff'rence 'cause I'm dead,  
I'm gettin' nothin' for Christmas,  
I'll hide from the Baron instead.  
  
I Told them I'd be good and sighed,  
'Cause Norris snitched on me,  
But Peevsie Weevsie always lied,   
'Cause Norris snitched on me,  
Next year I'll do just the same,  
Gotta live up to my name,  
But for now I'll play their game, ....(right!)  
'Cause Norris snitched on me.  
  
Oh!  
I'm gettin' nothin' for Christmas,  
Says old Professorhead,  
I'm gettin' nothin' for Christmas,  
I'll hide from the Baron instead.  
  
Nearly-headless Nick and the Fat Friar:  
So you'd better behave, whatever you do,  
Or we'll send baron after you....  
  
Peeves (spoken with a grin): Oops! Was that Veritiserum I just dropped in to the   
Christmas pudding?   
  
Nearly-headless Nick and the Fat Friar:  
Peeves gets nothing for christmas! 


	3. Professor Snape's Inclined To Frown

Welcome to Part Three of our Hogwarts Holiday extravaganza!  
  
Disclaimer: No, I don't own anything here. Bow to J.K. Rowling.  
**************************************************************  
(Clad in winter caroling gear, the entire house of Gryffindor files onstage.)  
  
Lee Jordan (as Cheesy M.C.) :  
"And now, to the Tune of that golden holiday favourite: 'Santa Claus is Comin' to Town',   
The Hogwarts Carolers proudly present our tribute to their Potion Master,  
PROFESSOR SEVERUS SNAPE!"  
  
(Two pairs of hands that look supiciously like Dumbledore and McGonagall's shove a reluctant Sevviekins into a blinding spotlight in front of the carolers. He is dressed in his usual black, but someone has forced a Santa Clause had atop his head. He gives a sideways glare offstage, muttering fiercely)  
  
Snape: What the hell do you want me to do?  
  
Albus: (offstage) /Dance/ to the music, my dear professor  
  
Snape: (stiffly) I do /not/ dance...  
  
Albus: You doubt yourself Severus...TARANTAGELLA!  
  
(As the band starts up the introduction, Professor Snape begins to softshoe wildly about the stage. The crowd cheers, and Sev mutters several four letter words beneath his breath throughout)  
  
GRYFFINDOR CHORUS:  
  
You better not talk,  
You'll pray that you'll pass,  
There's no room for fun in this Potions class,  
Professor Snape's inclined to frown  
  
He's cranky and pissed,  
He checks for fault twice,  
His students all laugh when asked if he's nice,  
Professor Snape's inclined to frown  
  
Detention if you're sleepin',  
Ten points when you're awake,  
He blatantly hates Gryffindors  
So behave for Godric's sake!  
  
So, you'd better watch out,  
He's had a bad day,  
And he's sure to punish you either way  
Professor Snape's inclined to frown   
  
His hair is limp and greasy,  
His nose is hooked and curled,  
Still fanfic authors will insist,  
He's the sex god of the world!  
  
Oh, you'd better look out,  
He's checkin' your asile,  
You'd better add more armadillo bile,  
'Cause old Snapie's comin',  
Dear old Snapie's comin',  
And old Snape is inclined....to frown!  
  
Snape: (dancing off stage to a multitude of encore screams) THAT'S IT! 100 POINTS FROM EACH OF YOU! TRY HAVING A BLOODY HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS NOW!  
****************************************************** 


	4. White Ferret

Author note: Oh no...just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...MORE of them!  
*************************************************   
Stage Manager: Okay, spot on Mr. Weasley!  
  
Lighting man: (looking confusedly between Arthur, Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred, George and Ron) Um...which one?  
  
( several groans from audience)  
  
Fred: The baby boy...  
  
(Ron scowls as the music starts)  
  
Lee Jordan: AND NOW, TO THE TUNE OF "WHITE CHRISTMAS"...RONALD WEASLEY!   
  
Ron:   
  
If Draco doesn't shut up real quick   
I'll get him sent to the nurse  
His taunting has gotten worse  
Insulting my family's purse  
I don't like Malfoy a single ounce  
And I am longing to see him bounce  
  
I'm dreaming of a white ferret  
The finest hour I'll ever know  
I remember so well  
Moody gave 'em hell  
And showed that great git Draco  
  
I'm dreaming of a white ferret  
Of that single fantastic sight  
All my chums think it served his right  
Couldn't we leave him like that all night?  
  
(light fade out on Ron and come up on a four-part chorus of Oliver Wood, Marcus Flint, Cedric Diggory and Rodger Davies)  
  
Quidditch Captains:  
  
We're dreaming of the Quidditch cup  
The season starts and off we go  
With our new practice drills  
And daring flight skills  
We'll win in rain sleet or snow  
  
We're dreaming of the Quidditch cup  
Each time our team enters the pitch  
Pray our brooms soar without a hitch  
And our seeker always gets the snitch! 


	5. Valking in a Vinter Vunderland

Author note: Please...do not ask me what mental condition i was under writing this one...  
***********************  
Part 5: The Yule Ball Carol  
  
Stage Manager (me): Alright folks, big production number! Herd 'em on stage!  
  
Ron: Do I /really/ have to wear these ruddy dress robes again?  
  
Stage Magager (me): Yes...Vicktor?  
  
Krum: ((holding a page of lyrics with a look of confusion) Uh...how do I haff to say this, again?  
  
Stage Manager (me): "Walking in a Winter Wonderland"  
  
Krum: Ah, yes. Valking in a Vinter Vunderland...  
  
Stage Manager (me):Close enough...okay! Places!  
  
Lee Jordan: AND NOW, IN A STYLISH MUSICAL REINACTMENT OF THE 1994 YULE BALL, I AM PROUD TO PRESENT OUR HOGWARTS VERSION OF "WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND"  
  
(Krum appears to be concentration very hard on getting the pronuncation right as the curtain goes up to reveal the great hall, glittering in it's holiday splendor)  
**************************  
  
Krum: Shall ve dance, Herm-oh-ninny?  
  
Ginny (hopping on one foot):  
Ouch!  
  
Neville:   
I'm soooo sorry Ginny!  
  
Harry (to Ron):   
We're both out of luck  
  
Ron:   
This ball really sucks  
  
Krum:   
Valking in a Vinter Vunderland!  
  
Fred & Angelina:   
Groove all night to Weird Sisters  
In the morn, we'll have blisters  
  
Prof. Sinistra  
To two-steps we'll rock  
  
Prof. Moody:  
Hey Potter, nice socks  
  
Krum:  
Valking in a Vinter Vunderland!  
  
Harry & Ron:  
In the garden peek behind the bushes  
  
Rodger & Fleur  
Hormones rage and all the couples play  
  
Stebbins & Fawcett  
We'll have lots of fun behind the bushes  
  
Harry & Ron:  
Untill Professor Snape blasts them away!  
  
Flitwick:  
Students from other nations  
Criticize decorations  
  
Fleur:  
Zees place eez a bore!  
  
Ron:  
Who's asking /you/ Fleur?  
  
Krum:  
Valking in Vinter Vunderland!  
  
Hagrid:  
In the garden I confront Olympe  
Questiong her bloodline makes her squirm  
  
Harry & Ron:  
On the statue Rita Skeeter's snooping  
  
Hermione:  
But we won't know it's her 'til end of term!  
  
Ron & Hermione:  
Later on, we'll retire  
To a fight by the fire  
  
Hermione:  
Boys can't take a hint!  
  
Ron:  
My robe's covered in lint!  
  
Krum:  
Valking....in a Vinter Vunderlaaaaand!!! 


	6. You're Beginning to Look Alot like Goyle

Author notes: This is all for now...but I'm on a terrible roll....this is just too much fun. Anyone who wants to suggest titles, be more that welcome to  
  
DIsclaimer: Yadda yadda, the chars belong to JK Rowling, the music to whoever the hell wrote it  
************************  
Part 5:  
  
Lee: AND NOW A CLEVER LITTLE DITTY TO "IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK ALOT LIKE CHRISTMAS!   
  
(Enter Ron and Harry, looking an awful lot like our favourite Slytherin bodyguards)  
  
Ron:  
You're beginning to look alot like Goyle  
Thanks to polyjuice  
Take a look at your limbs and knees  
Chubby like trunks of trees  
If we're caught surely it will be the noose  
  
You're beginning to look alot like Goyle  
Eyes vacant and bland  
But it's worth it for proof intact  
That people have been attacked  
By a pureblood's hand  
  
An heir of cunning esteem and Salazar's regime   
Has been petrifying our lot  
Now he'll admit it, we'll tell Malfoy did it  
That he's to blame and you're not  
And still old Binns insists the chamber myth is utter rot!  
  
You're beginning to look alot like Goyle  
Scar is nearly gone,  
Hermione is awful smart,  
Making us play the part  
Of Slytherin's top stupid thug and pawn  
  
You're beginning to look alot like Goyle  
I look like Crabbe too  
We can pass for that pair of gits  
And all of their clothing fits  
Like a glove or shoe!  
  
Hermione (offstage lament):  
Gone wrong, all wrong!  
  
Harry:   
Hermione, Hermione, what's gone wrong?  
  
Hermione:  
I'm beginning to look like- Oh, never you mind that!  
Just go, get gone!  
  
(Moaning myrtle giggles) 


	7. Dobby the Hogwarts House Elf & Stouffer ...

A/N: Thanks all fer yer reviews! After two requests for a 'jingle bells', I plucked up a version from a writing folder I hadn't touched in a good year or so..Old fans will recall (with many inserted groans) N.K. Stouffer, and her low attempts to sue Rowling for 'copying her ideas'? Well....she gets a moment of 'tribute' here. But first...a moment with Dobby.  
  
Disclaimer: Um...Rudolph belongs to Santa. Dobby and Winky and Malfoy and Herm belong to J.K. Rowling. The other house elf names were made up on the spot.   
*********************************************  
Lee Jordan: And now, to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer", please welcome the House elf choral society, funded by Spew!  
  
Hermione: (hissing from offstage) That's S. P. E. W.!!!!   
  
Lee Jordan: Yes...uh...S. P. E. W. folks, sorry. Well...  
  
(he sings)  
  
You know Bonny and Lolly and Mopsy and Blinky,  
Buttons and Corky and dear tipsy Winky,  
But do you recall....  
The most liberal house elf of all!  
  
(The curtains part to reveal a hundred or so House elves, gripped in fear as they clutch their sheetmusic and stand in their old pillowcases Hermion stands off to the side, armed with S.P.E.W. badges, with a reluctant Harry and Ron behind her, holding a banner for the house elf liberation front)  
  
The Elves:  
Dobby the Hogwarts House Elf  
Had a very rotten life  
Working for Lucius Malfoy  
Caused him pain and angst and strife  
  
All of us other house elves  
Thought him rather strange, its true  
'Cause he enjoyed his freedom  
Getting paid for work like you  
  
Then one chilly Hogwarts eve  
'Mione came to say:  
  
Hermione:  
"Dobby with your eyes so bright  
All house elves should have their rights!"   
  
The Elves:  
We shuddered when we heard this  
Backed away with such a shock  
Thinking it shameful to own  
Sweaters, knickers or a sock!  
  
Then one chilly Hogwarts eve  
Winky got so drunk  
Dobby tried to help her out  
All the us cried "Who'da thunk?"  
  
Hermione:  
Then how the house elves loved him  
You'll have to take it from me  
'Cause this tale never appears  
In 'Hogwarts a History'!   
  
******************************************  
  
Lee Jordan: That was....lively! Vey nice...thank you Spew. Next up, we have a little ditty for our multitude of fans, sung to the tune of 'Jingle Bells'  
  
Potter-Manics:  
Dashing to laywers  
With a list inside her hand  
Filled with silly gripes  
That we don't understand  
  
Says Rowling stole ideas  
And characters ripped off  
And raises plaugerism cries  
So we can sneer and scoff  
  
Oh, Stouffer smells, Stouffer smells   
Laid a rotten egg  
Sued our favoured author for  
What cost an arm and le-eg!  
  
Stouffer smells, Stouffer smells  
Made a sticky claim  
Potter fans will spit upon  
Her whiny slimy name   
  
A day or two ago  
I thought I'd take a look  
Into a page or so  
Of Stouffer's lousy book  
  
Dear Stouffer, you are scum   
Stop this retarded plot  
You're just jealous of J.K.R.  
She's famous and you're not!  
  
Oh Stouffer smells, Stouffer smells  
Her case speaks so plain   
Any hopes of our respect  
Have been washed down the dra-ain!  
  
Stouffer smells, Stouffer smells  
Set her books on fire  
She calls herself an author  
But we're calling her a liar 


End file.
